Life has a way of taking us to places we never intended to go. Or, it takes us away from places we were heading to.
In 2019 my sister passed from a battle with ovarian cancer. Dyan was my friend, muse, cheerleader, sounding board, sparring partner at times, and my love. She protected me from an older sister, bullies at school, and myself. Without her by my side, I’ve been lost, spending way too much time in the rabbit hole of depression.
Finding a Path to Healing
In the hopes of healing my broken heart and soul, I wrote My Immortal Beloved. You see, that is what I would call her when our nightly phone calls ended—her in the sterile hospital room and me safely in my bed.
‘Goodnight, my immortal beloved,’ I would say.
‘Goodnight, Tinthia,’ she would reply.
My heart broke each time our call ended.
A Place Deep Inside of Me
Lately, I’ve been having disquieting dreams about my sister being alive. At first I am shocked that she is still alive, then thrilled that I was wrong these past seven years. I try to hold her but she pushes me away. She yells at me but I can’t understand what she is saying. All I know is she is mad as hell. Boy, did my sister have a temper.
I wake each morning wondering what she is trying to tell me. You see, I cared for her at the end of her life and was by her side her last days in hospice care. I wonder if she is angry that I didn’t save her? Or am I angry at myself because I couldn’t save her?
One must understand pain before one can heal.
Understanding grief is easy. We miss the person for which we grieve; long to hold them, feel their warmth. But when the pain lingers, when the wound refuses to close, how can we move forward? Loss is not something we simply ‘get over,’ as people like to say. And, if I heal does that mean I will lose her again?
“You will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.” — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
So true.
And Then I Remember
I pick up my phone to call you
And then I remember
I text you
And then I remember
I think of you and smile
And then I remember
I laugh then stop
Because I remember
I wake each morning
And I remember
The wound in me yawns, revealing the emptiness
When I remember
You are gone and I am here
Remembering.
You can find the complete pieces of my soul in my book, My Immortal Beloved. It is my open heart, shared in the hopes that we can find a path through pain together.
If these words resonated with your own path through loss, leave a comment and share your journey.
Mi manchi, mia amata immortale.
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